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Changes and One Handed Toads.

 It's been a fucking year since I've fucking been on here, fuck it.
It's one in the morning sunday night and I can't sleep, because of some fucked up memories.

Yea, life's good, but it's changing a lot.

Daniel's going to college next year, for starters.  We have a really physical relationship, almost more than anything else.  He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel... beautiful, I guess.  But when he went away for even a week, we had a fight.  We never fight.  Over some bullshit a friend said to me, too, that I agreed with.
I guess I just don't work well on leashes.
It's been, holy shit, almost a year since we've been going out.  It's what, the eleventh?  Five days till our anniversary.  Holy muffins.
And yet, no matter how much we love each other, no matter how strong our bond, he and I are both extraordinarily fragile people.  We're glass.  I can only imagine how much we're going to suffer when he goes off to college.
And now I have these thoughts.  These outrageous thoughts.  "He's smothering me."  "I wish he wasn't so overprotective."  "Man I need to get off this leash."  Yea.  It's somewhat true.  But what he doesn't want me doing is stuff I shouldn't be doing.  Drugs.  Alcohol.  Stupid shit.  He's good for me.  But.... I'm only fifteen, man.  I love him with all of my heart but at the same time I don't.  I hate hormones.
My current theory is the fact I'm currently forced to be with him.  There's no way out.  (Shit, if I get married I'm screwed).  Why am I forced into our relationship right now?  Well, next month, over my school's internship break, I'm going to be up in Minnesota, in Ely exactly, working at the International Wolf Center.

And what does this have to do with anything?

I'm staying in his mom's cabin, with his mom.  Holyfuck.  She's grumpy, she's annoying, she's stupid, she's.... GRRR.  I dearly hope I won't be like her when I grow up.  Jesus christ.


So yea, that's one thing.

Then there's the whole "Shit what am I" thing going on.  My second identity crisis, I guess.  My first one was in middle school, when I didn't really know who I was.
I'm gender queer.  I'll freely admit this.  My boyfriend doesn't know, though.  Yea, I'm bi.  But I also want to be genderless.  I don't want to be a girl but I don't want to be a boy.  I want to be both.  I want to be neither.
I just want to be me, I guess.
I'm becoming slightly concerned about my religious beliefs, too.  Yea, I'm a hard-core athiest, but I'm also uniterian universalist.  I believe in a shitload of different things, and I'm all so confused about it.  One moment I'll believe in reincarnation and the next I'll be sure there's nothing after this life.  It's all so... unknowable.

And I don't know where I am with friends, either.  I have one good friend but Daniel and I are sure he likes me.  I'm terrified of girls.  I'm awkward with people.  I feel like people are just slowly drifting away from me.  It's so hard for me.  I love to be anchored but my chain has been severed.

Daniel's like the moon for me, changing my tides.  He's the reason for a lot of this, I guess.  He controls me in a lot of ways, because he's so scared I'll do something to desert him.  But every time I bring this up to him I end up feeling like an idiot for bringing it up.  I love him so much but I just want him to trust me, even when I don't even trust myself.

Shit life's complicated.


Tonight I got up because I was thinking about what happened last year, the main thing that helped me grow but keeps Daniel terrified of me.   What happened last year with one of my friends, before Dan and I started dating.  There was a journal entry here.  I needed to see it.  I understand why it happened now.  I knew why it happened on my part but not on the other person's part.  Erg.  It's so awkward now.

There's school.  There's friends.  But at the center of it all is him.  I know I want my independance, but he's part of me.  I'm part of him.  I love him more than even I can imagine.  It's just so hard.

On a lighter note though is pets.  Let's start out with the dark stuff.
My dog Pop Tart died.  We had to put her to sleep.  D:  She had stage five lymphoma when we detected it.  There was nothing we could do, and if there had been anything we could have done, we would have done it.  I love her so much.  She's still my little puppydog.

I got new toads!  I've had very bad luck in the past with my firebellied toads.  I've gotten four toads in total, previously.  I originally bought Fire and Wart.  Fire escaped.  Then I bought Sweet Pea.  Sweet Pea escaped.  Then I bought Forrest Gump.  He escaped.
So this time I bought them in bulk.  One of them is rather small and the other two are very big.  The biggest two are Captain Hook -- technically I "adopted" him because he's missing a hand -- and Rorin Stronghammer.  Rorin is HUGE.  But he's not eating.
The smaller one is Smee.  He's TINY, and Rorin and Captain have both tried to eat him.  I saved him all three times.
They're chirping, too.  Rorin's so big he even croaks.

I'm gonna get a bunneh!

Life's good.  But it's so confusing.  I want out but I don't.  I want change but I'm terrified of it.  I'm going to be torn to shreds when Daniel goes to college.

I guess I just need help.